At this point I don't think of writing anything inspiring.. I'm so devastated at this moment, I don't care what others think of me.. I do care what he thinks of me, but he doesn't know I have a blog, so?!
I've done such stupid mistakes lately.. So stupid I can't forgive myself for doing so.. My heart cries eternal tears, but still can't I give it a break.. I'm forcing myself to enter much more dangerous places I've only ever heard of in my entire life.. What's with me??? I'm really starting to lose myself these days.. I'm no longer who I used to be.. I'm acting selfish without considering others, for others also never considered how I would feel..
But today I learnt.. What I've done, what I've said, what I've gotten myself -and others- into, is really a big mistake.. Maybe the biggest I've made so far.. And hopefully the biggest for the rest of my life.. What seems so 'ordinary' to me, could be a huge thing for others.. But how was I supposed to know?? How?? I'm just a naive girl living in a hardcore "turned out to be" world..
Couldn't feel less sorry about all this.. Terribly sorry to all the people I've hurt.. All the people that don't even know I was hurting them.. All the people I used selfishly to fulfill my needs :( so sorry.. I never knew it would be so wrong.. I never knew letting go of something I never treasured that much, would be this hard.. I never knew it would deliver so much pain and heartache.. I'm so sorry.. How many times do I have to repeat how sorry I am? It doesn't matter.. I still cannot forgive myself.. I cannot forgive anyone.. Dear Lord.. What have I done with my life?? How am I ever gonna make this one up to everyone??
I never meant to do him any wrong.. I never wanted to see him cry.. I never want us to say goodbye.. But why?? Why nowww??? WHY ????????? When I needed him the most.. Still I was the one to end this shit >.<
He was this blessing in my life.. He was my all-weather savior.. He was my perfect hideaway place.. My special getaway car.. My only place I could run to without feeling judged.. He was the one that always smiled to me no matter how ugly I looked.. He was the one that always supported me, no matter how tired I got.. He was............. so........ ?? special...... ?! And I'm losing him now.. :( No matter how much I admire him.. No matter how bad I want him back.. Back beside me.. Back to inspire me more.. Back to teach me many things.. Back to walk anywhere with me.. Anyplace.. I don't care.. Anywhere he wants to go.. I'd be happy.. As long as I have him by my side.. :(
Now I'm back to where I began.. Zero.. Nothing.. Nowhere.. Only misery.. Mystery.. Crying in vain.. Missing him badly, even when I know he's still there for me.. I could never look into those eyes again.. I'm so sorry.................. :( But can I just have him for another moment, please?? Could I still have some more time with him, despite all the things I've said and done? I'm hurting so bad.. And he's the only one who could cheer me up, he's the only one who could turn my downs into all-ups.. He knows exactly how I'd like to be treated.. He knows how to make me laugh, even when I'm sad.. He gave me strength to carry on just when I thought I should stop.. He always believed in me, and made me feel so special, just by looking at me, the way he does.. Somehow he stole my heart, AGAIN.. And I'm not ready to lose him.. To lose all this love.. All this happiness.. Not now at least.. Not when my world is upside down.. Not when I've nowhere to go and nothing to do.. Not when I'm at the lowest point of my life ever.. No.. Not now.. Please don't go.. I'm gonna miss you so much.. I already do..
But it is too late isn't it . . . :(
And it's all my fault . . . :(
And I'm so sorry . . . :(
From the bottom of my heart I'm so sorry . . . :(
Sorry . . . I'm sorry . . . I really am . . . :(
I wish I could have another chance . . . :(
To spend more time with you . . . :(
To get to know you better . . . :(
To feel you hold me in your arms again . . . :(
To just watch you while you work . . . :(
Or to just look at you when you're sitting next to me . . . :(
Or to just admire the way you talk with your friends . . . :(
Or even to have just another chance of knowing and feeling ~
~ that somebody actually cares about me . . . :(
And to know that this somebody, would still be YOU . . . :((
If only . . . Dear Lord, if only . . .
-dna-
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