Another Heaven's Taste

Another anxious moment in my life.. Well as for me, it's always been anxious moments.. Difference is that usually i'm able to control myself better than this time.. I nearly ran into tears just by thinking about this whole crazy thing.. Well actually, i DID ran out of tears when i finally got home.. As you know (well maybe you don't know, but now you do - whatever) i've always been this inhibited-insecure-introverted person for so long, and now suddenly everything just reveals (not the way i wanted - also as always) and i feel so scared..

Scared by images repeating in my head.. Scared to imagine how i must face this all alone.. Scared of knowing what causes my sleepless nights.. While before i was scared for NOT knowing it *GOSH* nothing seems right, as from where i look, things just come and go and i have completely NO control over them, even over ME, myself.. Such a shame.. Well actually some things do function the way they should, it's that i just can't see properly in this situation.. >.<

I think this is the first time i write such rubbish but i really can't stand it.. Everyone's expecting me to be THE hero, THE wiseman (wisewoman, in this case?!), THE one never to be troubled since everybody's already so full of problems.. I always have to be perfect.. I can't make a single tiny teeny little mistake or everyone's gonna end up blaming everything on me.. (btw, if you haven't noticed yet, i tend to generalize, so just feel free to replace the "every"s above with anything you like - come to think of it, who am i talking to??)

Well.. Unfortunately.. I'm also human.. Not a super one, nor a saint.. I have feelings as well.. And i might also be more vulnerable at times.. As hard as i always try to hide them, doesn't mean i'm doing it at ease.. Sometimes (most of the times, actually) i really feel the need to pour this rubbish somewhere someplace safe.. It's my lack of trust that's causing me to selectively choose who to talk to, where to settle down.. At this point.. I really hope those selectively chosen people won't turn me down..

After this whole weird writing of mine.. I decided to put a good end to it *whew* One good thing about all this is that - thank God - i had this short little chit chat today with that "chosen one" *haha* who managed to put my heart at ease *a bit* Just like before.. I felt that rush and just knew that i didn't choose the wrong person.. Now that i cooled down a bit, let me conclude what just happened..

I think, we all have some kinda dark side of personality.. Some area that we never want to even get near to, but sadly DO have to be explored.. And we can't expect good things to come out as a direct result.. But despite the hurt and the pain we might feel - TRUST ME - it's m-u-c-h better knowing.. Also put in mind that:

~ in every pain lies a heaven's taste - we just need to keep looking for the odds to actually grab a hold of them ~

PS : special thanks to my heaven's taste today ^^
-dna-