posting gajebo - gajah jelek bo !

pengen nulis di blog
pengen numpahin isi hati
tapi diliat liat
hatinya gada isinya
k o s o n g
jah
apanya yang mau ditumpahin donk

-______-

ahh entahlah
semua aneh
semua

kenapa semua kaya mukul balik ya
pertanyaannya
kapan g mukul duluan sih
sampe bisa ada pukulan baliknya

postingan orang setres
ampun deh gatau mesti gimana Tuhannn

kayanya makin lama makin complicated aja
belom selesai kisah yg ini
hadir lagi kisah yg ono
tumplek aduk
nyampur
mau dipisahin juga gimana
yang ngejalaninnya kan satu orang
guanya yg satu
ya ampun kenapa ada lagu j*rocks ?!?!?!

ngapain donk yah
udah nanggung create new post
ngantuk sih
baru tidur 3 jam
masi sukur sempet tidur

ada kerjaan sih
tapi emang niat ya
haha
ga mungkin banget
sulittt
duh padahal bukan ini yang g rencanain
kacau semua gara gara ini
jadi harus planning ulang
ampunnnn

kynya belon pernah g nulis post se harafiah ini
biasanya selalu ditutup tutupin
dan sengaja pake basa inggris
biar ga banyak yang ngerti
hehe sompral ya
lalu
kenapa sekarang terang terangan gini?
mungkin karna listrik udah masuk desa
udah cape juga pura pura
sampe kapan mo g tutupin
sampe kena serangan
dih
kaga dah
kurang keren

ngomong ngomong temen chatting gue brb nya lama amat yah
padahal ni nulis gini karna gajebo aja
nungguin dia
karna invis juga
jadi cuman dia yang tau gue ada
invis ko di publish disini
bego
bae ah
lagian sapa juga yang baca

bersyukur aja masih bisa chat
sama temen yang satu spesies
anehnya sama
nyebelinnya sama
bukan sama sama g loh ya
maksudnya
persentase keanehan dia
sama kenyebelinan dia
sama !
duh maap
engga ko
tadi maksudnya ga gitu
maksudnya sama aneh dan nyebelinnya sama g

sptinya dia brb ke alam mimpi
biarlah
biarlah dia merasakan akibatnya besok !
yaitu bangun dengan segar di pagi hari
nulis apa sih g

harus gimana ya sekarang
asli bingung
kalo ga bingung gakan bikin post aneh gini kan

kaya serba salah
bukan serba ada
toko itu mah

hmmm
lalala
dududu
lagu rindu
tiba tiba inget pak alex yang cakep
wow
wow apa yah
wow g kangen banget sama dia
:(
bukan sama pa alex !!!!!!

pengen ketemu
tapi takut
dilema pisan ini mah
pengen lanjut
tapi ntar gimana?
kalau ga lanjut
harus mulai lagi
reinstall heeh
diformat ulang?
oh may
dan tiba tiba ingat
belon telpon dosen dosen
belon minjem bus karyawan
belon meriksain psikotest
belon tidur
dan belon ngantuk
belonku ada lima
*hitung deh beneran di atas nulisnya 5x*
ahaha ngitung beneran ya?
mau aja dibobodo
tapi da emang bener ada 5

setressssssssssssssss

I'm sorry . . So sorry . . TT_TT

At this point I don't think of writing anything inspiring.. I'm so devastated at this moment, I don't care what others think of me.. I do care what he thinks of me, but he doesn't know I have a blog, so?!

I've done such stupid mistakes lately.. So stupid I can't forgive myself for doing so.. My heart cries eternal tears, but still can't I give it a break.. I'm forcing myself to enter much more dangerous places I've only ever heard of in my entire life.. What's with me??? I'm really starting to lose myself these days.. I'm no longer who I used to be.. I'm acting selfish without considering others, for others also never considered how I would feel..

But today I learnt.. What I've done, what I've said, what I've gotten myself -and others- into, is really a big mistake.. Maybe the biggest I've made so far.. And hopefully the biggest for the rest of my life.. What seems so 'ordinary' to me, could be a huge thing for others.. But how was I supposed to know?? How?? I'm just a naive girl living in a hardcore "turned out to be" world..

Couldn't feel less sorry about all this.. Terribly sorry to all the people I've hurt.. All the people that don't even know I was hurting them.. All the people I used selfishly to fulfill my needs :( so sorry.. I never knew it would be so wrong.. I never knew letting go of something I never treasured that much, would be this hard.. I never knew it would deliver so much pain and heartache.. I'm so sorry.. How many times do I have to repeat how sorry I am? It doesn't matter.. I still cannot forgive myself.. I cannot forgive anyone.. Dear Lord.. What have I done with my life?? How am I ever gonna make this one up to everyone??

I never meant to do him any wrong.. I never wanted to see him cry.. I never want us to say goodbye.. But why?? Why nowww??? WHY ????????? When I needed him the most.. Still I was the one to end this shit >.<

He was this blessing in my life.. He was my all-weather savior.. He was my perfect hideaway place.. My special getaway car.. My only place I could run to without feeling judged.. He was the one that always smiled to me no matter how ugly I looked.. He was the one that always supported me, no matter how tired I got.. He was............. so........ ?? special...... ?! And I'm losing him now.. :( No matter how much I admire him.. No matter how bad I want him back.. Back beside me.. Back to inspire me more.. Back to teach me many things.. Back to walk anywhere with me.. Anyplace.. I don't care.. Anywhere he wants to go.. I'd be happy.. As long as I have him by my side.. :(

Now I'm back to where I began.. Zero.. Nothing.. Nowhere.. Only misery.. Mystery.. Crying in vain.. Missing him badly, even when I know he's still there for me.. I could never look into those eyes again.. I'm so sorry.................. :( But can I just have him for another moment, please?? Could I still have some more time with him, despite all the things I've said and done? I'm hurting so bad.. And he's the only one who could cheer me up, he's the only one who could turn my downs into all-ups.. He knows exactly how I'd like to be treated.. He knows how to make me laugh, even when I'm sad.. He gave me strength to carry on just when I thought I should stop.. He always believed in me, and made me feel so special, just by looking at me, the way he does.. Somehow he stole my heart, AGAIN.. And I'm not ready to lose him.. To lose all this love.. All this happiness.. Not now at least.. Not when my world is upside down.. Not when I've nowhere to go and nothing to do.. Not when I'm at the lowest point of my life ever.. No.. Not now.. Please don't go.. I'm gonna miss you so much.. I already do..

But it is too late isn't it . . . :(
And it's all my fault . . . :(
And I'm so sorry . . . :(
From the bottom of my heart I'm so sorry . . . :(
Sorry . . . I'm sorry . . . I really am . . . :(
I wish I could have another chance . . . :(
To spend more time with you . . . :(
To get to know you better . . . :(
To feel you hold me in your arms again . . . :(
To just watch you while you work . . . :(
Or to just look at you when you're sitting next to me . . . :(
Or to just admire the way you talk with your friends . . . :(
Or even to have just another chance of knowing and feeling ~
~ that somebody actually cares about me . . . :(
And to know that this somebody, would still be YOU . . . :((

If only . . . Dear Lord, if only . . .


-dna-

Lesson #3 : Process Vs Result

Haven't wrote in ages, oh Godd.. But lately there's just too much to keep to myself.. So i'm a share it with you guys *though no one actually reads my blog -- don't care*

So where do i start? About last week, i had a breathtaking experience.. I met some people that i didn't wanna meet.. Yeah they were my ex-parents in law-wanted to be *or do i have to say, should be?!* I can see why i'm so shocked to meet them *thank God they didn't see me* but that's not the point of this post..

That short experience led me to my past.. When i was still in college.. And one particular thing happened.. How i use to think that "that was my chosen path".. That's the reason why i went to that specific university and took that specific major.. It's all destined for me to meet those people, hang around with a whole different bunch of people, etc..

But then things got worse n worse.. And so i was at the bottom for once.. And again, i thought to myself, "that was meant to be, that's the reason of my life, that i had to bla bla" -- after a set of heavy objection i sent to HIM of course..

And after that, there were many many moments i think to myself, this is why i'm here.. That is why this happens, and this is why that happens.. I always try to rationalize things, events, moments, my life! I dislike situations in which i've got no clue about why something's happening in my life as if everything happens for a reason..

Well, good point is that, everything DOES happen for a reason! Not so good point is: not MY reason, but HIS *yeah again, i sense some kind of disappointment here* that the more i question the more it hurts.. The more i deny it the more it keeps coming to me in a strange yet unique way..

And today, as i think about this path i've chosen.. It hurts at one point.. I'd really like to stop.. But my natural instinct tells me that i cannot give up at this very moment.. I have to try, n i won't stop before i die *i know, i'm overdoing this -- don't care*

But now, as much as it hurts, as simple as it seems, i'd like us to think in a more elegant way..

~ try to see everything as a PROCESS, not a result.. in this CYCLE of life, every attribute that walks with you has an EXPIRY DATE.. we never know when they're gonna get expired, but when they do, never see it as an end, but as a beginning of another process ~

These words keep me from giving up, and reduce my hesitation about everything because i know one thing for sure.. HE loves me enough not to let me down!

- dna -

Another Heaven's Taste

Another anxious moment in my life.. Well as for me, it's always been anxious moments.. Difference is that usually i'm able to control myself better than this time.. I nearly ran into tears just by thinking about this whole crazy thing.. Well actually, i DID ran out of tears when i finally got home.. As you know (well maybe you don't know, but now you do - whatever) i've always been this inhibited-insecure-introverted person for so long, and now suddenly everything just reveals (not the way i wanted - also as always) and i feel so scared..

Scared by images repeating in my head.. Scared to imagine how i must face this all alone.. Scared of knowing what causes my sleepless nights.. While before i was scared for NOT knowing it *GOSH* nothing seems right, as from where i look, things just come and go and i have completely NO control over them, even over ME, myself.. Such a shame.. Well actually some things do function the way they should, it's that i just can't see properly in this situation.. >.<

I think this is the first time i write such rubbish but i really can't stand it.. Everyone's expecting me to be THE hero, THE wiseman (wisewoman, in this case?!), THE one never to be troubled since everybody's already so full of problems.. I always have to be perfect.. I can't make a single tiny teeny little mistake or everyone's gonna end up blaming everything on me.. (btw, if you haven't noticed yet, i tend to generalize, so just feel free to replace the "every"s above with anything you like - come to think of it, who am i talking to??)

Well.. Unfortunately.. I'm also human.. Not a super one, nor a saint.. I have feelings as well.. And i might also be more vulnerable at times.. As hard as i always try to hide them, doesn't mean i'm doing it at ease.. Sometimes (most of the times, actually) i really feel the need to pour this rubbish somewhere someplace safe.. It's my lack of trust that's causing me to selectively choose who to talk to, where to settle down.. At this point.. I really hope those selectively chosen people won't turn me down..

After this whole weird writing of mine.. I decided to put a good end to it *whew* One good thing about all this is that - thank God - i had this short little chit chat today with that "chosen one" *haha* who managed to put my heart at ease *a bit* Just like before.. I felt that rush and just knew that i didn't choose the wrong person.. Now that i cooled down a bit, let me conclude what just happened..

I think, we all have some kinda dark side of personality.. Some area that we never want to even get near to, but sadly DO have to be explored.. And we can't expect good things to come out as a direct result.. But despite the hurt and the pain we might feel - TRUST ME - it's m-u-c-h better knowing.. Also put in mind that:

~ in every pain lies a heaven's taste - we just need to keep looking for the odds to actually grab a hold of them ~

PS : special thanks to my heaven's taste today ^^
-dna-

Lesson #2 : Each Individual is Unique and Different

Been a month since i wrote eh.. Time really flies when you....err...have so much on your mind *and do completely nothing about them - sigh* but i like the way i've been missing my blog so much i kept thinking to write again - and amazingly gathered enough energy to actually DO it, so here i am..

Well, i already have several things to share but this is what patience is all about isn't it?? ;p Moments ago i spent pretty much time with some people that did a really great impact on how i perceive things.. Some of 'em uses the - easy to access and fast - highway, while some prefers the all small-slow-but-sure pathways.. Which is more preferable? I can't really decide, since from my point of view, both can be effective depending on the situation *yeah, i have that annoying-typical-psychologist's mindset, don't i?!*

The whole story became a little more interesting when those people became demanding to each other.. The "highwayers" just found it hard to understand why some others still uses pathways.. While on the contrary of course, the "pathwayers" just failed to adjust their speed in order to catch up with those fast paced highwayers.. Then they began to judge each other, and things just got funnier.. I don't know.. More of an ironical funny..

See, we tend to judge people simply because they have different ways, or use different approaches in solving problems, or even perceive things differently than we do.. Funny how we always seem to get stuck in our own opinion.. We just cannot understand why people behave like this, or think like that and so on.. (i just don't get it why people have these tendencies - oopsss *grin*) We somehow block out all the things that doesn't match our way.. Why? Simply because "we are not used to it" or "never heard of it", or worst, because we like to keep things the way they were..

There are 2 things here.. First, we keep on blocking new things that might even be important for us. The second is that we act as if difference is a shame.. While in fact, we are all different individuals that have a number of different approaches and paradigms that make a real huge combination of possibilities, only HE who made us can count.. Being different doesn't make you an alien, for God's sake! Now let's make it simple: each and every one of us is different in every way.. And this difference should be perceived as uniqueness rather than a thread to our existence.. Just imagine if all the color we see is only blue or all green.. How boring it would be..

Now as we get to the end, as always, i'm a share an interesting quote i found in a book *unfortunately i don't remember which book haha* .. So please consider this:

~ the strongest instinct people have is not the will to survive,
but the instinct to keep things familiar ~

I hope that from now on, we can think more before we judge, and become aware of all the uniqueness around us that make this world a whole lot more beautiful than it ALREADY is ^^

-dna-

Phonecall From Heaven ^.^

This is one moment in my life that's so simple but really meant the world to me.. For weeks i've been overwhelmed by thoughts, guilt, fears - basically everything - came up on me at once! I was really stressed out and didn't know what to do.. Didn't know how to act.. Didn't know what to decide.. Couldn't even handle the most simple common thing!

Several times i've struggled to solve that puzzle.. Many times i tried to search for answers.. But it just seemed that I'm going round in circles, with no answer to ease my troubles.. I didn't quit *glad i didn't* and kept on searching.. Those were the times when i prayed more than usual *haha that's so me* not to mention all the complaining to my Dear God - for giving me such problems - *which is also, so me, tsk tsk.. i'm terribly sorry for that*

Then one day, i woke up in the morning, quite early in fact *which is not so me haha* and found one message in my inbox.. Who'd text me at that time of day ?? And it just simply said "may i call u?" and i found me heart pounding so fast.. And then we had that talk.. That short little conversation, but full of meaning.. I felt this fire burning inside, and i was so excited during that talk.. And i knew, it was not the person, but it was GOD Himself talking to me at that moment.. "Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us ... " (Luke 24: 32) i really felt that rush that i searched the internet for this quote *haha i'm not really that religious kind who memorizes bible quotes, i don't even read the book =D workin on that, though* but for real.. I was so.. Speechless.. As in positive speechless.. Joyful speechless..

Well.. After this whole story and silly intermezzoes, what i'm *finally* trying to say is that, we tend to forget, how important we are to others.. We often get stuck in our own problems and issues, that we cannot see, that by helping others, we might find a solution for ourselves.. We often don't realize, that the smallest thing we say or do, can mean very much to other people.. So never forget to look around, choose wisely how to act or what to say, and truly open our eyes to the world, because..

We may be only one person in this whole world..
But we can mean the whole world to one person..

-dna-

Lesson #1 : Discover Yourself Through Others =)

Lately i've been thinking much about many many things in my life, including myself of course (wow this sounds so self-centered huh lol). All my life (24 years since i was born, haha) i've been trying hard to know ME a little more, but never really succeed until recently (can't say i'm done by now, though) =D

So many things happened in just such a short time.. All the good and bad things that's seen from my narrow point of view as "good" and "bad" are actually both good AND bad at the same time.. They say we're destined to have a beautiful life that GOD has planned for us, but all we see is messy ruined puzzles that don't even make sense.. *agreed! haha*

And of course this little curious girl inside of me have always been asking why so? how can i see the whole plan? why can't i see it? and it goes on.. But as i stepped out from this "teenager" thing, i was so astonished by all the good things i've missed.. Now i'm starting to understand a bit why things were said and done (can't say i don't regret them, though, but.. haha) at least now i have more patience for the beautiful troubles yet to come in my life..

One thing i learnt from all this is that we can really understand ourselves through our relationship with others.. *TRY THIS, IT REALLY WORKS* lol but seriously, it really does work.. Through every interaction with others, i never stop questioning, simply everything ! But then i found out who i really am.. That others function as mirrors to me.. All i like from them is who i wanna be, and all i dislike is who i avoid to be.. All i love from others is the personality that i show.. And all i hate in others is my "shadow" that i reject as a "part of me" but also shows when i'm under pressure..

This, i believe, is the first step we all should take to be a better person everyday, not only for ourselves, but also for others, mostly our beloved ones, and most important, for HIM who gave us life in the first place ^^

-dna-